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Waiting for Greatness.

a patient's fictionalized account...

My Life

Long Story Short

So to make a long story short, my life has been no cake walk, I have lived a life of poverty, betrayal, misery, and abuse.  The concept of happiness or being content with my life has been foreign to me up until about two weeks ago.  For most of my life I have suppressed these things. I remember a night years ago, when I couldn’t take it anymore, my supression bubble popped and that night I cried for about 4ish hours feeling misery– more so for my family than for myself.  up until that point, I had never cried harder. 
 
Long story short, my life has been a shit box since day 1. And it only got worse, for years, I was waiting on a break that just never arrived.  For a couple months, a couple moths ago, I completely gave up on life because I couldn’t take it any more, I gave up on damn near every aspect and element of my life. It was a conscious decision I think.  It got to a point where every waking day was worst than the previous and I just snapped, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I said “Fuck it”, I didn’t give a God damn about anything. Anyways, either before or after, I can’t remember, because I have never known what it was like to have things go my way, so every time any little thing didn’t go my way, or I couldn’t have what I wanted, I would go psychologically ballistic.
 
 I want to make it clear that I have never, and would never intentionally physically harm anyone, even in my darkest of days.
 
Anyways, back to what I was saying  every time I missed the subway by seconds, I spilled a drink, or didn’t have money to buy what I wanted, 25 years of things not ever going my way would all hit me at once.  At this point of my life, I was crying myself to sleep nearly every night. I didn’t give a God damn about anything in my life and I was a ticking time bomb of suicidal idealizations.  That being said, I am feeling better now after my most recent hospitalization now that I am on the right meds by the grace of God.  The only difference between then and now, is that I am capable of coping with my “situation”. The circumstances of my life haven’t changed, but my “mental” has. 
 
That being said, I do have “moments” sometimes… the other day, something set me off, I can’t remember what it was, but I remember being very thirsy and I was looking forward to a of Gatorade that I had saved earlier in the day.  When I got into my apartment, I couldn’t find my Gatorade and that brought back an entire lifetime of not having what I wanted. So I exploded, mentally.  I took my $650 computer and slammed it into the table.  I tried to turn it on and it was broken,,, then things just escalated from there. My computer is my life. I then violently crumpled an art piece of mine.  I value my art damn near as much as lie itself, but I did this because it was in the way of something I wanted to pick up.  Then I lied to my dad as he entered the room. I said I accidentally dropped it, and we got into a heated argument.  I can’t remember the last time I argued with me dad. He said he wouldn’t give me money for a new computer so I went to my bed and felt more miserable than I have in a long time.
 
I thought to myself, this is it. As a few tears rolled down my face I thought, fuck it, I’ll just lay in my bed all day every day, I have nothing left in life.  A few minutes later, my dad reminded me I had a few hundred dollars from my SSI/disability check, so I went to best buy, bought a $200 computer, and the rest is history.  Most of these days I am relatively mentally stable, but I still have my moments.

How I Feel Tonight
(two weeks later)

 
I’m feeling like a balloon. What is the nature of a balloon? Something that you fill with helium, metaphorically speaking referring to my life, I’ve been filled with feelings of what I feel like –false promises and hope. Then a balloon flies away, up and up into the air enjoying the ride… But for how long? some balloons make it to the clouds and fly free with the angels.  Metaphorically speaking, that what I’ve been doing for the last two or three weeks of my life, God has blessed me with unbelievable ability to be an endless creative outlet, I’ve been flying in the clouds feeling overjoyed and ecstatic. But a balloon eventually pops and falls into the ocean where it drowns never sees the light of day ever again.  That’s how I feel, I’ve been living with suicidal ideations damn near my entire life,
 
I’ve been floating in the clouds for 3 weeks, but I feel like I just popped, I’ve had so much hope that these God given abilities might bring me some level of success or happiness in life, but at the end of the day, my life is no better than it was 1 month ago, 6 months ago, or 6 years ago.  I’m rapidly falling into an ocean of misery, pain, and suffering.  I didn’t choose this, but I guess life chose it for me. Not referring or concerning other people, I literally have nothing other than a piece of shit laptop, a phone, and the $20 bill that I wake up to every day. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for these things, but I would trade that all for so much as a sliver of hope of attaining some level of success or happiness in my life.  The thing that scares me more than anything, is the thought of what my future holds.  I feel no sense of hope for the future, I’ve been falsely duped so many times by women, “friends” con-artists, you name it. 
 
I really am finding it hard to find an incentive to live.  I’m not going to suicide but I’m going back to a place where it’s like, fuck, how the fuck am I supposed to do this. What do I have to look forward to in life? If I said the answer was not much, that would be a lie, because the truthful answer is, nothing.  I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do. it’s like wtf.
 
 

 Funnel of Darkness

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Devilish Thrown

As you can probably gather from the name of the site, my whole life I have strived to be great. Whether it was skateboading, music, video games etcetera, I have attempted to be great at whatever “it” might be.  I haven’t just attempted,

I obsessed to the point of no return and failed more and more miserably every time. 

Love was another one of those things. I was obsessed with finding and being with a woman who would make me happy. I wasn’t that nerd who was always scared to talk to women, I tried. God damn did I try. Whether it was being on 3 dating sites at a time, asking women out in subway cars, bodega’s, you name it.  Anyways, as I did with myself, I have always fantasized about being with a woman who has accomplished greatness.  

A couple years ago, I stumbled upon an artist who was about 4 years younger than me. Her name was Akiane Kramarik. 

In my opinion, she is the most talented artist to ever step foot on God’s green earth.  This was the beginning of a long and painful string of delusions and painful, miserable events. I completely fell in love with her. I admired not only her looks, but her artistic talents, and who she was as a human being.  I felt I had to be with her at all costs necessary. (Obviously other than harming someone) So I started to write a book.  I figured if I could write a book that would become a new york times best seller, I could get her attention and potentially have a shot at meeting her.  So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

To keep this short, I damn near finished the book. I thought about her every hour of every day. I repetitively watched her interviews, I admired her recent pictures for hours on end, I even posted a picture of her as the background of my computer desktop. 

I am bi-polar, that being said, some days I felt I couldn’t be more motivated and couldn’t be filled with more anticipation and hope that it was going to happen. Other days thoughts of, Well what if she has a boy friend and is doing you know what, as I’m sitting here doing what I did.  Emotionally, that would send me into such a dark place, I couldn’t cope.  Hence, Smiley was written, during a time when I felt that way, I wrote the darkest story I have ever written.  When the book was about 90% done, I had a psychological breakdown. I broke my computer over my knee, shaved my head, broke my guitar, threw my wallet and phone in the sewer, and admitted myself to a mental hospital. 

It was at this hospital that God started giving me signs.  Some of what I am about to tell you, you might not be able to  compute, or accept as truth, but whether you believe me or not, it’s true.  

99% of people don’t have the slightest idea what goes on in mental hospitals. I will save these stories for another time, but let it be known, supernatural forces are at work in mental hospitals because if a person were to try and tell someone what goes on in there… “Oh, you’re just a mental patient, go take your meds, you’re crazy.” Make sense?

Anyways, when I was enlightened to the evils of the Satanic forces, I made a promise to God I would at all means necessary devote my life to exposing them and taking them down… That hospital that I had just been checked into, was a Satanic hospital… Through means of God’s greatness, he informed me that I had done the deed.  I engaged them, and now they were going to kill me… Or so they thought.  I will save the details for another time, but God informed me the only way I was leaving that hospital, was in a body bag.

I walked the halls balling my fucking eyes out.  I was terrified. At the same time I felt accomplished for accomplishing one of my greatest life goals.  As I passed my room God gave me a sign… He said lay down in your bed and die.  I have never been anything but obedient to God, so I laid in my bed. I thought to myself, this is it.  I’m going to heaven, I don’t know if I was more anticipatory, or scared.

As I shut my eyes, I felt demonic forces overcome me.  I thought to myself, WTF? I’m supposed to go to heaven, not hell , I then saw something through my minds eye.  It was the Devil, he was on a devilish throne and he was feeling empowered. His arms were up and he was cackling.  Moments later I saw a vision of Akiana’s face.  I had never seen such a beautiful face in my life, her hair was blowing in the wind and she was more beautiful then ever before. A second after her face appeared, I felt hell.  The most tormenting, horrible, grotesque feeling came over me.  It was by far the worst thing I had ever experienced up until that point in my life. I don’t remember what happened after that, but moments later there was a knock on my door and a nurse told me I had a visitor. I turns out the whole ordeal was a test to see if I would listen to God, even if he told me to die, and I listened. 

What God was telling me through the experience was, that, I had unintentionally obsessed over Akiane to the point where I held her as high or higher than God himself.  God didn’t shun me for it because he knew I didn’t do it intentionally, but he made it abundantly clear to me that if I so much as look at her picture ever again, I get the hell that he inflicted upon me when I saw her face. When I was released from the hospital, God commanded me to fall out of love with her, so I did. It was difficult, but I did it. 

 

A few years later here I am, things changed.  Because God knows I would never hold anyone or thing as high as him, he has allowed me to indulge in a love for her, on a lower level obviously, that I had before. I am allowed to look at her paintings, interviews, photos, etc. I still love her very much, but I have accepted the fact that I will never meet her… 

Life is shit… What am I gonna do about it? Well, nothing. I’ve tried my hardest in every aspect of life and gotten nothing but shit on in return, so I am day by day attempting to accept the piece of shit garbage life that I live. Good riddance I guess, right? Fuck it.

Hot Girl

After I left  the last session I got to the street corner went down to subway and I realized it was the wrong direction so I went back up and went across the street and there’s this hot girl just standing on the street corner absolute fucking so … I just I just asked her a really stupid question was like hey do you know what the uptown subway is .. she  laughs and touched my arm…

Clarify   there I’m going there too so I kind of just how they go right to the subway station for a tenth of a second i just had idea well what if i said something I got a number she seemed to shoot a nice person something actually came out of it I saw she was carrying a violin easy easy pickup line this is
I see a really hot woman… thoughts go through my okay well first of all I’ll never be with their never have sex with her she probably she might give me like a flirty look but she’s gonna go home tonight sucking dick and take it in the ass with  some other guy… while I’m getting raped in League of Legends… getting a new and interesting fucking character and planning for the last hundred games

Clarify like every time I see a hot girl it’s just instant pathetic… not necessarily anger at what they do … we anticipate they’re gonna do to you that in addition to maybe look at that they manipulate men with her body down bitch fucking a money-hungry bigger and a lot of every room just fucking chocolate three guys a week and never call me again your life your eye I see the person fucked me or so many campus times yes i did some see that and then it’s just in my life brings back everything all at once

UnBurdoning

 

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